Welcome to the Week in Review.
Welcome to the Week in Review: Happy Holidays, ya bastiches!
Welcome to the Week in Review. Offer void in Idaho.
Welcome to the Week in Review. Whaddaya want for free?
Welcome to the Week in Review. No more bye weeks: We’re in the home stretch!
Welcome to the Week in Review. So far, so good!
Packers 24, Seahawks 27
Well, will wonders ever cease? A compelling, competitive Thursday Night game!
And this one set up for another classic Aaron Rodgers comeback: Russell Wilson hit TE Ed Dixon to take a 27-24 lead. Five minutes left. And everyone’s thinking the same thing: There’s too much time on the clock. Discount Double Check’s gonna do his thing.
My thought: There might be too much time for Rogers to do his thing. Especially in a game where the Legion of Pop¹ held the Pack to three points in the second half. Rogers’ heart-ripping magic generally happens with 1-2 minutes left.
The Seattle D’ decided not to become another Rogers highlight: Three-and-out. Seattle runs out the clock. Game over, drive safe!
Pretty sure that loss sealed Mike McCarthy’s fate in Green Bay. My inner conspiracy brotha says that’s not a coincidence.
- Like a “boom”, but far lesser.
Cowboys 22, Falcons 19
Real talk: The Cowboys won this game despite the Garrett/Linehan play calling, not because of it. I defy anyone who watched the Cowboys’ final possession to say that Garrett was playing for the win, not overtime.
For him, just enough was good enough. The predictably predictable play calling – from the triple-dose of “Zeke up the middle” to the infuriatingly inexplicable lack of play action passing – says “I don’t trust my quarterback to make plays with his arm. And I don’t trust my receivers and ends to make blocks to get Zeke outside ” they’re putting everything on Zeke and the defense. And both have to be hitting on all cylinders to win. Looking at the likely playoff teams in the NFC (Saints, Rams, Bears, Panthers, Vikings) – that will not be good enough to break Clappy The Clown’s streak of failure WRT advancing past the divisional round.
If the Cowboys had better coaching, they win by two scores. If the Falcons had one or two of their missing pieces back on defense, Dallas loses by two scores. And some better coaching decisions. Tevin Coleman was slicing up the Cowboys, but Dan Quinn continually decided to air it out. Why?
Seriously, though: Without Zeke Elliott (and Leighton Vander Esch), this team would be the Bills Southwest.
Titans 10, Colts 38
The Colts are the absolute opposite of the Bengals, Ravens and Redhawks: A good team completely slept on by the public and the talking heads. Andrew Luck, who would need to turn into Nathan Peterman to not win Comeback Player of the Year (and maybe snag some MVP votes in the process) is quietly having the best season of his career. The o-line is the best this team has had since Manning in his prime. THe defense is sneaky good.
All of this combined to smack the upstart Titans with a “Not so fast, son” backhand. They held the Titans to 263 total yards of offense, 87 rushing. Granted, losing both Marcus Mariota (elbow injury) and defensive coordinator Dean Pees (“medical issue”) in the first quarter surely didn’t help matter. Blaine “Exhibit B in Colin Kaepernick’s Collusion Suit” Gabbert went 11-16 for 118, 1 TD and 1 INT. A garbage time Gabbert to Tajae Sharpe kept the margin of victory under 30. And that’s as good as it got for Tennessee on Sunday.
FYI: Luck is now 10-0 vs. the Titans. He now has the third longest streak of games with 3 or more TD passes.¹ Adam Vinatieri scored his career 210th regular season win, going past George Blanda for most career wins.
- Tied with Dan Marino with 7. Tom Brady (10) and Peyton Manning (8) are still ahead.
Panthers 19, Lions 20
It would’ve been a bad call, even if Cam had hit Jarius Wright on that 2-pt conversion.¹ You can try and justify it with “He’s going for the win.” “He’s showing confidence in his team.”
Or he’s showing no confidence in his defense to hold a Lions team they’d kept mostly in check (309 total yards. No Kerryon Johnson for OT).
OR Riverboat Ron was trying to use that potential big play to make people forget about the Panthers’ other gaffes and questionable decisions.² And only ended up creating an even bigger issue to doubt him over.
Either way, the Lions escape with a win, keeping their thin playoff hopes alive, and Fratbro Santa³ gets to avoid another week of questions about his meathead retrograde outdoor practice.
- Or run it in, as he seemed to have the room to do.
- Christian McCaffrey only got 13 carries. Graham Gano missed a field goal and an extra point.
- $1 to Pablo Torre.
Bucs 35, Giants 38
This time of year, teams are usually playing for one of three things: Playoff position, a coach’s job or draft position. In the case of Tampa, eiher they failed on option two or made progress on option 3.
The Amish Rifle went full Fitztragic throwing 3 INTs on only 167 yards (13/21), before Jamarcus Winston was thrown back to the lions brought back in to rally the troops.
He ultimately failed¹, but he put a major scare into the G-Men in the process.
Saquon “Still The Wrong Pick” Barkley got 142 on the ground with 2 TDs (a third receiving). Eli didn’t shit the bed. Hope all that pride is worth a worse position in the “Bomb For Bosa” sweepstakes² and more fan resistance to finally taking Eli out back and giving him the Old Yeller treatment.
- It’s Rapey McCrablegs. What did you expect?
- Honestly? Were I the Giants GM with the #1 pick: Draft Nick Bosa, sign Teddy Bridgewater to be Eli’s replacement.
Texans 23, RacialSlurs 21
The Texans managed to score a road win, despite a shaky night from Deshaun Watson. Old Man All-Day continues to climb up the record books; his two TDs lifted him to fifth on the all-time rushing TDs list, past John Riggins and behind Jim Brown.
But all anyone is going to take from this game is Alex Smith’s season (and possibly career) ending injury.¹ I hope Smith is prepared to hear about how his injury is pretty similar to Joe Theismann’s and occurred 33 years to the day. In a game that ended in the exact same score and outcome.
Colt McCoy is the man going forward for Washington: A further reminder of the surprising number of ex-Cleveland Browns QBs that still draw NFL paychecks.
- Which I will not be sharing here, you fucking ghouls.
Steelers 20, Jaguars 16
Blake Bortles’ 2017 season is officially, demonstrably a fluke.
The defense that helped take the pressure off Bortles is a shadow of last year’s team.
Somehow this is all Tom Coughlin’s fault.
Raiders 23, Cardinals 21
Not sure what the takeaway of this game should be: That the Raiders sacked up and grabbed what looks like their last real shot at a win or Arizona going full speed ahead in Bombing for Bosa?
Meh, they both suck. Moving on.
Eagles 7, Saints 48
The Whodats continue to Godzilla their way through the NFC, bestowing the worst defeat a defending Super Bowl champ has ever suffered upon the Iggles. Drew Brees added to his Hall of Fame/MVP resume: Throwing a record 23rd 4TD+/No INT game (passing Dreamboat).
Barring getting swept by Carolina and getting clipped by the Steelers, it looks like the Saints will cruise to the NFC #1 seed.
The Eagles continue their season-long campaign to prove that the real engine of their Super Bowl run is currently turning the Colts back into a playoff team.¹
- That’s former OC Frank Reich, for the slower among us.
Vikings 20, Bears 25
Khalil “Jon Gruden Will Never Live This Down” Mack and the Bears overcame both the Vikings nad Mitch Trubisky’s shaky outing, taking a two-game lead (in the win column) in the NFC Norris.
Trubisky went 20/31 for 165 with 1 TD and 2 INTs. He also led the Bears on the NFL season’s longest scoring drive (13 plays, 7:13).
And Cody Parkey hit three FGs and all his extra points, without hitting the uprights once!
Chiefs 51, Rams 54
Game of the Year. Fight me. Offensive firepower, defensive big plays, lead changes, all the drama! This game had it ALL!¹
If this is truly a preview of the Super Bowl:
And I’m pretty sure good Thursday, Sunday and Monday Night games in teh same week (and it’s not Week 1) is some sign of The End times…
- Unless you’re some retrograde knuckle-dragger who thinks the 5-yard buffer rule “ruined the game.”